NUMBERS AND OTHER N WORDS

What shall it be tonight? Let's see...how about starting with some numbers?

2001 World Trade Center attack fatalities: 2,986
2001 Alcohol-related traffic fatalities: 17,448 (total traffic fatalities 42,116)
2000 Deaths caused by poor diet and physical inactivity 400,000
2000 tobacco-related deaths: 435,000

(sources for skeptics: U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Highway Traffic Safety Administration)

The obvious thing about these numbers is that Americans are killing themselves far better than the terrorists can- especially considering every statistic except the WTC attacks recurs annually with similar numbers. Shit, if I were a terrorist I would focus on smuggling in cheap booze and smokes and fried foods.

If the Supreme Court appointed me Emporer, in charge of protecting American lives, I can see that the first order of business would be promoting health care and education programs that convince people that smoking is stupid, and jacking up the a on tobacco that would pay for the health-care costs of stupid, stinky, cancer-riddled smokers. Same for diet and exercise; public schools would institute required after school sports for all students, the minimum requirement being walking. And being obese would NOT qualify you as handicapped and exempt- take the whales swimming! Just make sure they bring their inhalers, all the diesel particulates and whatnot Bush has allowed in our air may cause some of them trouble.

Next, I would call the National Guard back from Iraq, and turn that shit over to the UN, NATO- mind you, we'd still foot most of the bills, we broke it- but anyway, I'd deploy the Guard in unmarked cars outside nightclub parking lots and country roadhouses to capture or kill drunk drivers. Seriously- how many times have you been driving in podunk mountain areas and all of a sudden there is a bar, with no houses for miles around? How are those cowboys getting home? How many times have you been to an urban disco at closing time, and seen people pile into their cars after how many drinks? Do you think everybody has a designated driver? I can tell you late night weekend driving behavior from I-5 to I-95 suggest to me that some of those folks should not be on the road.

But beyond the obvious- that our consumption and stupidity makes us a greater threat to ourselves than any foreign force- there is an interconnection among the numbers of preventable deaths. The same inactive overeaters are smoking and driving from place to place instead of walking- watch them cruise the lot for the spot closest to the store, idle their car outside someone's house and lean on the horn instead of walking to the door, cruising through the takeout window of the burger joint with a smoke hanging out the window- the numbers are all overlapping, one lazy, gluttonous behavior leading to another. The picture I paint spans all classes, though smoking tends to decrease somewhat with education. But let's focus on the poor just to transition to another topic- niggers.

Now, I need to clarify my political position before repeating the N word. I am personally appalled that the US government cannot follow a path of reconciliation and at least do as the South African government saw fit and issue an official apology for slavery. In fact, I support reparations- not to individuals, who in my area would give that money back to whitey as fast as possible by spending it on retail addictions- but through targeted community development, small business and educational grants.

About the N word. If you have seen Chris Rock's epic delivery of prophecy, Bring the Pain, you know what I am talking about. These young men delight in the antisocial because it is the only expression of power left to them in this society. They are famously impatient, and prone to cut in any line, perhaps due to having waited in the back for 300 years. Lazy? Well, not cut out for wage labor in general- again, a few hundred years of unpaid labor may weigh on their minds- did you see Old Dirty Bastard going to get his welfare check in his limo? So anyway I think I have a firm enough grasp on history to understand and even largely excuse the existence of niggers. But that doesn't make me like them in a personal way-no, just as they want me to, I hate them. I am a hater, and I hate the playa just as much as the crooked-ass game. Like Bill Cosby and other middle class blacks, I have just had it at a personal level- history be damned.

What's sad is how these days, middle class black conservatives are getting positions of power in a Republican administration looking for a few good Uncle Toms (and fellow Christo-facist homophobes) to prove they are not really racist- though hiring a handful of kneejerk blacks eager to oppress and punish poor blacks for their own poverty hardly seems like an expression of compassion for other races to me. Personal responsibility? Hell, yeah. But let's have the 40 acres and the mules first, and redouble our efforts to level this playing field, instead of pretending MLK Jr. fixed everything and everything since is black folks' own fault.

While I'm on the topic of oppositional ghetto culture, I have to unload a few other notes. First off, I was just noticing that those tent-sized South Pole jeans the Koreans sell to the kids are about 15 years old now. For most fashions, that means they are on the way out. I was hopeful that soon I wouldn't have to see junior's underwear no more. But then I realized- exposing your private areas will always be offensive, and middle-aged white men will never wear tent-sized pants- and those 2 facts viritually guarantee this will be a lasting expression.

How about this- does one develop a spinal curvature from excessive pimp-leaning? I keep expecting one of these cats to step out of his Buick and, due to driving while leaning against his side window, experience crippling back pains. Pimpular leaniosis, my diagnosis.

Or this- in a restaurant listening to a table of young urban Asian-Americans, I closed my eyes- and dialect-wise, all the men sounded like black guys, but the girls? Like white girls. As the men slurred words to the limit of recognition and constantly called each other "dawg"- the girls kept their refined demeanor. The Asians, like lots of suburban Eminem wannabes, emulate what they see as the most macho persona available- the nigger- difference is, the Asians actually have some street experience to back up their verbage. And the chicks, well, they are supposed to be good girls, aren't they? Even their men want them nice. Fascinating.

I am, for the record, another paleface (legs like a boiled chicken) with a lifelong fascination for black pop culture- and another Dave Chappelle fan. He slips important political content into his material, like how the press covers white girl abductions and ignores black girl abductions. That should be criminal. Yet at the same time he is refreshingly politically incorrect- the same joys South Park brings are abundant in his Showtime piece, For What It's Worth.

We need equal opportunity offenders, because Political Correstness, while certainly correct polticially and well-intentioned, is boring, stifling, uptight, humorless, unwieldy and impractical, and just not based in reality. I don't even think it is achieving its purpose, because we need to deal with these ideas and get past the language, not get hung up on it. PC is based on the notion that language affects reality. Well, how far did the re-spelling of "womyn" get in re-defining women's roles? Just helps me identify feminazis, and I don't think it made Webster's- I know, another book by privileged, old white men. Anyway, there is some logic to the idea- I think gays have largely reclaimed "queer" (though I'm afraid "gay", among adolescents, may forever refer to something that' just ain't right', or is 'silly'). But the trouble is that all these stereotypes, despite varying degrees of generalizability (look it up, STAT 101) are based on anecdotal, empirical, qualitative fact. Niggers, for example, DO exist. And the sensitivities of history do not prevent white folk from acknowledging this fact to one another in private. Mind you, jumping to conclusions is a good indicator of racism, and I shun racists. But when a man booms his tunes while gassing up with a lit cigarette, when he parks in the parking lot exit to hang with his crew, when he cuts across 3 lanes of traffic without so much as a turn signal ad then runs the red light, well, call it like you see it, folks. And call the pigs if you need to. Just don't start any beef, because these men confuse FEAR and RESPECT and do not plan to live past 30, or outside of prison necessarily.

Having said all that, I think we need to appreciate the niggers who deal the sacred weed. They put their asses on the line for our freedom to smoke trees, and if I had to deal or work at Taco Bell, well, it would be a tough call for me career-wise. So when I read that

1 in 142 US residents now in prison

well, what the fuck gives? Violent crime is down, and crime overall is down. But we are a world leader in incarceration! Well, shit, I guess we are #1! USA! USA!

Shit fuck! Prehensile penises! I hope all this profanity enhances my credibility. Don't dig it? Try George Will. Read the mission statement, kiddies, I'm venting. Hot air. From my anus. Next time, I will tell you all about my anus.