One Golden Rule for nontheists: Don't trust men in funny hats.

The Catholics are easy targets here; the sun revolves around the earth! Wait, no it doesn't.



Double-plus-ungood if they also have a long beard. Here is how you might address men with funny headgear:

YOU: Hello, I was wondering, why do you wear that hat?
IMAM: In our religion, we believe-
YOU: (turning to flee) Thanks!
IMAM: But wait! You asked-
YOU: It's ok, you already told me what I needed to know.

Some display their religion to publicly assert the existence of their ethnicity; you know, I'm here, I'm queer, don't put me on that train. I support such political and social motives. Then there are those who wear hats because they think God wants them to. God told me to wear a hat, or carry a dagger, or shave my pubes.

Try this: put on a nice hat, and enter a Catholic cathedral. Odds are, a stern old lady will command you to remove it, if not physically swoop down and smack it from your head in a gesture of Christian kindness.

Now: Go to your local mosque on a Friday without a hat, or with the wrong style of hat. Odds are a brother will lend you a little cap, or ask you if you forgot yours. Very kind of him, and he will also be happy to advise you if your toes are not in position, because we all know God likes toes just right.

But does God want us to wear hats or not??? This is truly bewildering. Maybe the Catholics and Muslims could arm-wrestle over this one, and God would bless the winners. Best out of 3, that's a nice prime number symbolizing the indivisible nature of Allah for the Mohammedans and the Trinity for the Papists.

And wow! Surfing for answers on such things does turn up some truly titillating stuff.

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 16:

Narrated Jabir bin Abdullah:

While we were returning from a Ghazwa (Holy Battle) with the Prophet, I started driving my camel fast, as it was a lazy camel A rider came behind me and pricked my camel with a spear he had with him, and then my camel started running as fast as the best camel you may see. Behold! The rider was the Prophet himself. He said, 'What makes you in such a hurry?" I replied, I am newly married " He said, "Did you marry a virgin or a matron? I replied, "A matron." He said, "Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you may play with her and she with you?" When we were about to enter (Medina), the Prophet said, "Wait so that you may enter (Medina) at night so that the lady of unkempt hair may comb her hair and the one whose husband has been absent may shave her pubic region.

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 17:

Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah:

When I got married, Allah's Apostle said to me, "What type of lady have you married?" I replied, "I have married a matron' He said, "Why, don't you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?" Jabir also said: Allah's Apostle said, "Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you might play with her and she with you?'

http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/fundamentals/hadithsunnah/bukhari/062.sbt.html

Sometimes I kind of like that Muhammed guy! Now excuse me while I go surf for some pics of virgins to fondle...